Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
