Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
did i walk over a car last night?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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