as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
