the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
