We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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