I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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