Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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