I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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