Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
