I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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