Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
