if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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