I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
