I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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