If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
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