god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
babies were throwing up all over the place
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
