this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
