I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
