The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
