how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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