turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
