She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
