Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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