i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize