You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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