Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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