I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
