If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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