oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
