She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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