We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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