I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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