well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
