I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
