well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
