She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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