I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize