Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
