she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
