My cat gives me a boner
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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