It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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