I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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