im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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