you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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