I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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