I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
