it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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