I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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