I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
