i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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