Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize