My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
