How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
