my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
