You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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