i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize