what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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