Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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