Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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