i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I have tasted many bathrooms
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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