So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
