Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
